April 22, 2024
For most people, words or phrases such as “uhm,” “yeah,” “like” and “mhm” fill those awkward silences or open spaces when talking.
But for me, and a select group of people, that go-to filler word that seems to fix all possible issues is “sorry.”
“Hey, girl! Sorry to bother you, but I just had a quick question…”
“So sorry, but I was just wondering if you were free for dinner?”
“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! That is a weird email.”
Why I do this, I have yet to learn. It might make me feel like a nicer person. Maybe it makes me seem like an understanding and empathetic individual. Or maybe I’m just insecure, or it’s a mixture of it all?
But why is this the default word that I and many others turn to, even when we have nothing to be sorry about?
As humans, it is part of our instinct to be social and mirror our behavior to those around us. In most cases, apologies occur when you have wronged someone or betrayed their trust. This is normal to human nature, as we experience emotions of guilt or shame when hurting someone or seeing someone get hurt. It also reassures both people of the mistake and acknowledges that it won’t happen again.
However, when it comes to the frantic filler-word apologies, that’s a whole different issue. This kind of apologizing is referred to as “chronic apologizing” and it can sometimes do us more harm than good.
According to Psych Central, some of the most common reasons for over-apologizing include false guilt, carried guilt or an unhealthy obsession with people pleasing. All these possible reasons often stem from bigger mental health issues like depression, anxiety, or post-traumatic stress disorder.
Mental health therapist, Jocelyn Hamsher, explains that over-apologizing, more often than not, comes from people pleasing. This over-apologizing is motivated by the need to manage the other person’s emotions to make them feel happier, even if you weren’t the one to cause harm. This is because, for most people pleasers, it makes them uncomfortable to see someone upset or sad.
While it’s never a bad thing to check in on those around you, when it gets to the point of overcompensating or taking blame for a situation, you're not responsible for, it can affect your life beyond that one conversation.
By continuously apologizing or using the word “sorry” as a filler, you can easily come off as insecure, according to Psychology Today. It can also lessen the sincerity of your true apologies if people are used to hearing you say “I’m sorry” all the time. Over-apologizing also tends to make those around you believe you rely on external validation.
As adults, it’s important to present yourself confidently (even when you don’t feel like it). Over-apologizing hinders this and can leave people with a false perception of who you truly are.
Instead of saying to your boss, “I’m sorry to bother you, but are you ready to chat?”
Try, “Good afternoon! Thank you for meeting with me.”
Your boss agreed to the meeting time beforehand, right?
Instead of asking your friend, “Sorry to interrupt, but are you free for lunch tomorrow?”
Try, “Hi! Want to grab lunch tomorrow around 1 p.m.?”
They’re your friend, why are you sorry to spend time with them?
And lastly, instead of sprinkling the open spots of a conversation with “Oh no, I’m so sorry!”
Try using non-verbal communication skills like head nodding or even popping in with a follow-up question.
If you didn’t do anything wrong, why are you apologizing?!
While most chronic apologizing is simply an anxious reflex based on starting a conversation or feeling sad when someone is telling a story, the overuse of the word can put a damper on your conversational and confidence skills. I am still learning to not lean on the stream of apologies in my day-to-day conversations.
But it’s not all bad. Alison Brooks, head researcher of the “I’m Sorry About the Rain!” study, found that a much more common error is when people don’t apologize enough or take responsibility for their actions.
So…how do you know exactly when to apologize?
A good, sincere and honest apology is one of the most powerful tools we have in human communication. It can patch wounds, mend relationships and reassure our emotions.
At the core, an apology should have the underlying tones of change. This means that when you apologize, it should be for something you’re responsible for and promise to learn from the experience to do better.
Of course, a sprinkling of “Oh no, I’m so sorry to hear that” when your coworker tells you about how she lost her sunglasses, isn’t the worst now and then. Apologies and empathy like that show that you are a warm and kind person.
Just be sure to not overdo it or rely on that word when you're anxious or unsure what to say.
You should never be sorry for existing and being human. We all make mistakes and are learning how to be better every day.